F-Word of the Day: Feelings – How to Reinvent Self-Pity

I hope you dance

I got a note from one of my best friends a few days ago.  She wrote, “Some days it just doesn’t pay to get out of bed.  Today all I want to do is hide under the covers.  I’m feeling lonely, lost and really, really SAD.  And I just don’t know what to do about it. It feels like everything is too hard lately.”

I thought about her for a few minutes, and wished I still lived close enough that I could show up on her doorstep with a stack of DVDs, strawberry margarita mix, some Oreos and Ben and Jerry’s ice cream for a ‘girls night’ slumber party and bitch session, but she’s in the states and I’m here in France.  So, since I have to be a long-distance friend, here’s what I did instead:

I sent her an online invitation that said:  You are cordially invited to be the ‘guest of honor’ at a ‘BFF Pity Party’.  I will call you at 6:00 p.m. your time (please bring cheese to go with the whine).

You can talk about whatever’s bugging you and bringing you down.  I’ll listen to everything you have to say with no judgements (and no suggestions on how to fix things) for 15 minutes – I really want to hear all about it.

After the 15 minutes are up,  we’ll play 10 minutes of “Poor Me” (if we can last that long), and list all the reasons we sometimes feel ‘less than’ or worry about the things we ‘don’t have’ or lack.  And then, if you’re still feeling miserable,  we’ll play five minutes of “My life sucks more than yours because…” And finally, to finish off the evening, we’ll play the “Count my blessings” game and  an exciting round of “My greatest strengths are… and I can handle this because…”

She RSVP’d a few minutes later and called me a pet name which let me know she was feeling a little better all ready.  I called her, and we had a wonderful conversation, talking about old friends, favorite memories and the ‘new and good’ in each of our lives. The ‘pity party’ was a success.

The point is, sometimes we all feel sorry for ourselves.  According to Deepak Chopra, “Self-pity is the opposite of self-esteem. It arises because you feel no one will lift you out of your difficulties. With no one stronger, older, wiser and kinder to help you, there’s a tremendous sense of lack. You cannot find the same strength that these rescuers have—or you imagine them to have—and the ache of not being enough is felt as self-pity or “poor me.”  He relates to self-pity to dependency, and recommends finding your own ‘inner riches’.

I know when I’ve felt down and depressed, it usually happened at a time in my life when I felt the most isolated and alone.  And there are three things that have always worked to help lift me out of it, and made me feel strong enough to go on again:

1. Reaching out to my partner, my family and my circle of friends. My husband is always there for me, and he’s supportive, loving and he makes me laugh.  I’m very close to my family – especially my mother and sisters, and their loving presence is always with me. And of course, my friends – especially my circle of girlfriends – provide me with feedback, clarity, confidence and remind me not to take myself too seriously.

2. Taking the time to cultivate that ‘attitude of gratitude’. It’s hard to feel self-pity when we counting our blessings and look at the inner riches we all have been given and the real abundance we have in our lives. There’s some interesting information about how gratitude works with the law of attraction and also to increase your own happiness and satisfaction with your life on this Website.

3. Looking at my own inner strengths – or having someone I trust – remind me that I do have what it takes to solve the problem I’m faced with. Here’s a quote by Mark Victor Hansen that I really love: “Don’t wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.”

What about you?  What do you use to get through those moments of doubt and darkness?